I have a confession to make. I can't stand strip clubs. Yes, I know, this seems to be at cross-purposes with what I normally pursue. I mean, I love women, right? And naked women are even better! How could I possibly hate strip clubs, the Super Bowl of carnal pleasures?
Allow me to break this down. If, in the process of this, I manage to dissuade you from going to strip clubs ever again, and if, as a consequence, you never see another naked tit in your life, then consider my job well done. And by the way, fuck you - I just proved my first point.
Y'see, strip clubs are only good for losers who can't otherwise see tits in real life. Arguably, looking at tits on the Internet beats going to a strip club, but since that is for different reasons, let's just stipulate that looking at tits = a good thing. However, what kind of loser isn't able to see naked women without paying for it?? I mean, go to a popular bar with a friend or two, preferably having done a little pre-drinking beforehand, and walk up to a girl. If it becomes apparent after 5 minutes you won't be seeing her naked anytime soon, then move on (note to the slow: moving on to one of her friends probably will NOT be effective). Unless you are a complete douche, ugly, and possessing no ability to interact with anyone, much less women, then I promise you, you will see naked women.
There are so many misconceptions surrounding strip clubs and strippers that I felt the need to put together my Stripper Survival FAQ:
Q: But David, how can you be against seeing naked women??
A: See above, dumbass.
Q: But David, strippers will dance all over you! And you get to feel them up!
A: See above, dumbass. Additionally, it's not as if they are dancing for free - they are dancing for money! And that brings up one of my major points, the economics of strip clubs. This topic bears a quick break from my Stripper Survival FAQ, in order to cover the vital topic of Stripper Economics.
To get into a strip club, it will cost you between $5-$10. At that point, you will receive the privilege of ordering $6 beers and $10 shots and mixed drinks - and those are the domestics and wells! God forbid you want a real drink, because at this point, you probably can't afford it and in fact have to save every penny in order to correct the anal bleeding from the ass-fucking you are getting from some self-important strip club manager, dressed in a cheap-yet-expensive-looking suit.
Yeah, you get to look at naked chicks, "for free", as long as you stay. The problem is, you will put up with a constant stream of whore-ramble, from strippers who walk by and ask you if you want blue-balls. Oops, I mean a dance. Should you accept, this dreg of society will proceed to wiggle in your lap, and perhaps let you feel her tits, for the paltry sum of $20 USD. Of course, if you go "too far", she will get offended, as if it's OK for her to spend your $20 USD on cocaine but it isn't OK for you to pinch her nipples and call her a whore. Who knew? Moving along, if you happen to particularly click with said stripper (and for the perils of this, see below), she might invite you somewhere for a raging case of herpes, or, as they call it in The Biz, a private dance. Depending on the club, you will get to do anything, ranging from slapping her tits around to straight-up, full-on fucking, for the small price of around $200, although this can vary up or down, depending upon your looks, negotiating skills, and overall doucebaggery.
I mentioned the perils of actually talking to strippers. This, indeed, is one of the worst parts about going to a strip club. In fact, to adequately address this point, it's time to move back to the FAQ.
Q: But David, you don't have to pay for a dance! You can just watch the strippers and sit there and talk to them!
A: Hey dipshit, the smartest thing to ever come out of a stripper's mouth was a donkey's cock in Mexico. Talk to a stripper? What the fuck? What're you going to talk about? Are you going to compare and contrast cocaine dealers? Are you going to listen to her bitch about her "landlord" (pimp), threatening to kick her out of her "apartment" (whorehouse)?
Q: But David, not all strippers are like that! Some of them don't do coke or whore themselves out! Some of them are just trying to make a living, maybe put themselves through school!
A: MWHAHHAHAAHAHAHA Shut the FUCK UP! The stripper who doesn't do coke and is going to school on a more than theoretical basis is about as real as the Easter Bunny - in other words, she doesn't fucking exist. If you want to get lied to, by all means, talk to strippers.
Q: But David, you're right, but sometimes these whores are easy to sleep with and you don't even have to pay them!
A: Yep, that's true. The same is true of most women you are likely to meet in a bar, but the difference is, women you meet in a bar are much less likely to have a)Sexually Transmitted Diseases, b)cocaine habits, c)fucked up childhoods resulting from Uncle Tommy buggering them, and d)black ex-con ex-boyfriends who have nothing to lose, if they catch you and kick the shit out of you.
Q: But David, that isn't true of ALL strippers!
A: OK, I sorta agree. Except that even if none of the other things are true, strippers are emotionally fucked, otherwise they wouldn't be stripping. If you want to sort out that train wreck in the morning, be my guest. I did it once, and I'm not at all interested in a repeat performance.
Q: But David, I just have fun at strip clubs!
A: Good point, rich douchebag. If you have so much money you don't care about blowing hundreds of dollars on drinks and women who either hate you or don't even know where they are, and who are more likely to give you syphilis than the average urinal in a bisexual bar in the Netherlands, and you are so insecure you would rather throw your money at strippers than spend a fraction of your money getting laid at a bar, with a woman who, while probably still classless, is at least free of STDs and doesn't have a history of familial sexual abuse, then be my guest. Dumbass. This does lead me to my final point, though.
The final point is, the economics of strip clubs just plain suck. I have alluded to this several times, however, it bears repeating. $10 to get into the club, plus an average of $7 per drink, $20 per dance, $1 per table dance, $6 per ATM fee, and your dignity ends up totaling somewhere in the neighborhood of an average strip club visit expense in excess of $724. In return, you get as drunk as you can afford, along with anything ranging from a bad case of blue balls to a bad case of AIDs in the event you end up fucking a stripper, as well as a never-ending stream of whore-ramble in your general direction. Contrast this with an average night in downtown Austin: $0 to get into the bar, an average of $2.50 per drink, $0 to watch scantily clad women rub up against each other on the dance floor, $3 per ATM fee, $0 to cleverly propose drunk sex to the first girl who strikes your fancy + an extra $2.50 per drink per girl who seems into this, for a total average downtown cost of somewhere in the neighborhood of $22.50. In return, you get in the worst case approximately the same amount of fun, combined with the possibility of drunk sex with a relatively STD-free pool of women, as well as being allowed to keep the vast majority of your dignity, which otherwise would be sitting in the cash register of your local strip club.
Strip clubs are the blackjack of the bar scene - everyone thinks it's fun, but in the end, everyone loses. Don't believe me? Then I propose the following challenge. We each take no more than $25 out with us. On the first night, we can go to a strip club, and see how much fun we have, and whether or not you get laid. On the second night, we can go downtown, see how much fun we have, and whether or not I get laid. If you want to take me up on this challenge, by all means, email me on this.
Allow me to break this down. If, in the process of this, I manage to dissuade you from going to strip clubs ever again, and if, as a consequence, you never see another naked tit in your life, then consider my job well done. And by the way, fuck you - I just proved my first point.
Y'see, strip clubs are only good for losers who can't otherwise see tits in real life. Arguably, looking at tits on the Internet beats going to a strip club, but since that is for different reasons, let's just stipulate that looking at tits = a good thing. However, what kind of loser isn't able to see naked women without paying for it?? I mean, go to a popular bar with a friend or two, preferably having done a little pre-drinking beforehand, and walk up to a girl. If it becomes apparent after 5 minutes you won't be seeing her naked anytime soon, then move on (note to the slow: moving on to one of her friends probably will NOT be effective). Unless you are a complete douche, ugly, and possessing no ability to interact with anyone, much less women, then I promise you, you will see naked women.
There are so many misconceptions surrounding strip clubs and strippers that I felt the need to put together my Stripper Survival FAQ:
Q: But David, how can you be against seeing naked women??
A: See above, dumbass.
Q: But David, strippers will dance all over you! And you get to feel them up!
A: See above, dumbass. Additionally, it's not as if they are dancing for free - they are dancing for money! And that brings up one of my major points, the economics of strip clubs. This topic bears a quick break from my Stripper Survival FAQ, in order to cover the vital topic of Stripper Economics.
To get into a strip club, it will cost you between $5-$10. At that point, you will receive the privilege of ordering $6 beers and $10 shots and mixed drinks - and those are the domestics and wells! God forbid you want a real drink, because at this point, you probably can't afford it and in fact have to save every penny in order to correct the anal bleeding from the ass-fucking you are getting from some self-important strip club manager, dressed in a cheap-yet-expensive-lookin
Yeah, you get to look at naked chicks, "for free", as long as you stay. The problem is, you will put up with a constant stream of whore-ramble, from strippers who walk by and ask you if you want blue-balls. Oops, I mean a dance. Should you accept, this dreg of society will proceed to wiggle in your lap, and perhaps let you feel her tits, for the paltry sum of $20 USD. Of course, if you go "too far", she will get offended, as if it's OK for her to spend your $20 USD on cocaine but it isn't OK for you to pinch her nipples and call her a whore. Who knew? Moving along, if you happen to particularly click with said stripper (and for the perils of this, see below), she might invite you somewhere for a raging case of herpes, or, as they call it in The Biz, a private dance. Depending on the club, you will get to do anything, ranging from slapping her tits around to straight-up, full-on fucking, for the small price of around $200, although this can vary up or down, depending upon your looks, negotiating skills, and overall doucebaggery.
I mentioned the perils of actually talking to strippers. This, indeed, is one of the worst parts about going to a strip club. In fact, to adequately address this point, it's time to move back to the FAQ.
Q: But David, you don't have to pay for a dance! You can just watch the strippers and sit there and talk to them!
A: Hey dipshit, the smartest thing to ever come out of a stripper's mouth was a donkey's cock in Mexico. Talk to a stripper? What the fuck? What're you going to talk about? Are you going to compare and contrast cocaine dealers? Are you going to listen to her bitch about her "landlord" (pimp), threatening to kick her out of her "apartment" (whorehouse)?
Q: But David, not all strippers are like that! Some of them don't do coke or whore themselves out! Some of them are just trying to make a living, maybe put themselves through school!
A: MWHAHHAHAAHAHAHA Shut the FUCK UP! The stripper who doesn't do coke and is going to school on a more than theoretical basis is about as real as the Easter Bunny - in other words, she doesn't fucking exist. If you want to get lied to, by all means, talk to strippers.
Q: But David, you're right, but sometimes these whores are easy to sleep with and you don't even have to pay them!
A: Yep, that's true. The same is true of most women you are likely to meet in a bar, but the difference is, women you meet in a bar are much less likely to have a)Sexually Transmitted Diseases, b)cocaine habits, c)fucked up childhoods resulting from Uncle Tommy buggering them, and d)black ex-con ex-boyfriends who have nothing to lose, if they catch you and kick the shit out of you.
Q: But David, that isn't true of ALL strippers!
A: OK, I sorta agree. Except that even if none of the other things are true, strippers are emotionally fucked, otherwise they wouldn't be stripping. If you want to sort out that train wreck in the morning, be my guest. I did it once, and I'm not at all interested in a repeat performance.
Q: But David, I just have fun at strip clubs!
A: Good point, rich douchebag. If you have so much money you don't care about blowing hundreds of dollars on drinks and women who either hate you or don't even know where they are, and who are more likely to give you syphilis than the average urinal in a bisexual bar in the Netherlands, and you are so insecure you would rather throw your money at strippers than spend a fraction of your money getting laid at a bar, with a woman who, while probably still classless, is at least free of STDs and doesn't have a history of familial sexual abuse, then be my guest. Dumbass. This does lead me to my final point, though.
The final point is, the economics of strip clubs just plain suck. I have alluded to this several times, however, it bears repeating. $10 to get into the club, plus an average of $7 per drink, $20 per dance, $1 per table dance, $6 per ATM fee, and your dignity ends up totaling somewhere in the neighborhood of an average strip club visit expense in excess of $724. In return, you get as drunk as you can afford, along with anything ranging from a bad case of blue balls to a bad case of AIDs in the event you end up fucking a stripper, as well as a never-ending stream of whore-ramble in your general direction. Contrast this with an average night in downtown Austin: $0 to get into the bar, an average of $2.50 per drink, $0 to watch scantily clad women rub up against each other on the dance floor, $3 per ATM fee, $0 to cleverly propose drunk sex to the first girl who strikes your fancy + an extra $2.50 per drink per girl who seems into this, for a total average downtown cost of somewhere in the neighborhood of $22.50. In return, you get in the worst case approximately the same amount of fun, combined with the possibility of drunk sex with a relatively STD-free pool of women, as well as being allowed to keep the vast majority of your dignity, which otherwise would be sitting in the cash register of your local strip club.
Strip clubs are the blackjack of the bar scene - everyone thinks it's fun, but in the end, everyone loses. Don't believe me? Then I propose the following challenge. We each take no more than $25 out with us. On the first night, we can go to a strip club, and see how much fun we have, and whether or not you get laid. On the second night, we can go downtown, see how much fun we have, and whether or not I get laid. If you want to take me up on this challenge, by all means, email me on this.
RIGHT ON BROTHER THIS IS THE GODS HONEST !1000% TRUTH ! AMEN
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