Martial Arts Kids Are a Bucketfull of Fail

You know what really bugs me? People who don't change clothes after their martial arts class, and go out in public trying to look like Bruce Lee.

Now let me back up for a second. I took various martial arts for years. I have no problem with that. But think back to the last person you saw out in public after their Karate class. Got the picture?

Odds are, your mental image involves an ugly 14 year old fat ass kid wearing a black belt. First of all, is that supposed to intimidate anyone? A 14 year old with a black belt is about as scary as a pothead talking philosophy. Like, man, as Sartre said, dude, that's just not very, y'know, frightening. The kid probably got the black belt in the first place by blowing his instructor - or at least, by paying him $1200 per year for 3 years, which amounts to about the same thing considering the bullshit he is learning.

Speaking of what actually gets taught in your average martial arts class, chances are good that this 14 year old is taking his martial arts class because he gets picked on at school. I've been in the types of martial arts classes that this kid is taking, and I can tell you from experience that the only thing you learn is a sure-fire way to get your ass kicked and laughed at, at the same time. A bunch of fancy hand waving and pussy-ass slap kicks aren't gonna stop Billy from pounding you at the bus stop.

Actually, these classes do teach one useful skill, and that's how to fall down. I recommend practicing this technique a lot.

Martial arts instructors must have it pretty good. Most of them are glorified dance instructors who get fellated by a bunch of loser kids on a nightly basis, in the form of taking hundreds of dollars per month, teaching Matrix-level philosophy, and forcing everyone to call them Master Wang.

Does it get any better than that?

Actually it does. I can't imagine anything more satisfying than being the bully kicking the shit out of the martial-arts student/dancer/dipshit for wearing his stupid looking uniform out in public.

But I've got some real advice for the kid who takes Tae Kwon Do in a futile effort to stop getting beaten up at school - stop being a know it all douchebag, douchebag! You're parents were wrong - they aren't picking on you because they're jealous, they're picking on you because a)you're an easy target, and b)you deserve it. Stop acting like you deserve an ass-kicking, and you'll stop getting one. Don't flush money down the toilet at your local McDojo and then go out in public looking like Douche McBaggerson.

And for those of you who are already thinking it - YES, I AM a know it all doucebag. That's why I mock people smaller and weaker than me, and sleep with women who have less self-respect than I do. Assholes.