Why the South Lost the Civil War

This is not about history. You can wake up now. With that said, you can look at five main points that absolutely and without a doubt tell us the story of why the South lost the Civil War.

1)The Jerry Springer Show

OK, who here has watched Springer? Yeah, we all have. Now, think a little deeper, and tell me how many of the worthless idiots on Springer were from the South?

The answer, of course, is 100% of the white people, and most of the black people. If a certain region of the country has that many idiots today, when there is free public education, readily available government services, and no reasonable possibility of starving to death, then just exactly how many idiots do you imagine that same region of the country had 145 years ago?

Enough said on this point. My argument wins.

2)Southern accents.

Let's be honest, we generally judge how intelligent people are by how they speak. I know I do, anyway, and since this is my blog, my opinion is what counts. With that said, have you ever HEARD a Southern accent? These people sound STUPID! The average Southern drawl is roughly equivalent to taking a cheese grater to my brain.

Let's recap some of the Southern lingo:

-Com-poo-ter. Yeah, like your dumbass knows what this thing does. In fact, I'm not even worried about getting my ass kicked over this, because if what I'm saying offends you, you can't even figure out how to get here anyway. This is sort of like a self-authorizing cipher - if you can figure out how to read this, you win. If you can't, it's irrelevant.
-Nuculer. Most recently popularized by Dubya, but unfortantely a very commonly used "word". This shouldn't be shocking to anyone, but I can't think of one Southerner who contributed to the Manhatten Project.
-Fixin' to. What the FUCK does this mean? You can fix your car, but you can't fix your dumbass vocabulary, can you?

Additionally, while we are talking about Southern lingo, why do Southerners seem to have such a disdain for things they don't understand? For example, part of my job involves working with computers (com-poo-ters), and customers who are buying computers. On any given day, invariably, some idiot Southerner will come up to me, announce loudly that they don't know anything about com-poo-ters, but that they just want something that will get them on the "Innurnet" and that will let them do some "werd processin'". Really, fool? Really?

Which reminds me of this idiot I talked to the other day. Y'see, she was upset because the "Innurnet" didn't come installed on her "com-poo-ter" when she bought it. Yeah, and unfortunately her delivery room didn't come equipped with coat hangers, as a last ditch measure for preserving intellectual adequacy.

3)The fact that hunting, fishing, and NASCAR are sports in South.

Let me get this straight. Your ass is so stupid, that you think stalking deer with a shotgun is a sport? You're a fucking idiot. If you do it with a knife, I'll give you some respect. But let's recap here: You, armed with a shotgun, vs. a deer. Some sport, asshole. I'm not a fucking liberal, either. I don't care about the deer. But all you are doing is playing Duck Hunter in real life. Exciting, it is not.

Now for fishing. I like to eat fish as much as the next person, and I would never disparage fishermen. No, I'm talking about the idiots who go on vacation for the express purpose of sitting in the middle of a lake, drinking beer, with a fishing pole. I'm not saying this isn't relaxing, but how lazy is your dumbass that you consider this a sport?

And finally, NASCAR. If you think watching people drive in circles for 3 hours straight is a sport, then you should just kill yourself. The only cool part about NASCAR is when there's a crash, and the only reason that's cool is that there is the possibility for one less Southerner in the world.

4)Religion.

If you think about it, the South is easily the most religious area of the US. What's the problem with this, you ask? Well, if you're not from the South, you already know the answer. For those of my readers who are from the South - not that you are still reading - allow me to explain.

The whole purpose of religion - or at least a good chunk of it - is to turn you into a mindless automaton, incapable of independent thought.

What's my point, you ask?

Well, this IS a blog about why the South lost the Civil War, after all. I will happily trash religion in future posts, but for now, let's just stipulate that "automoton incapable of thought" = "incapable of winning Civil War".

5)Home Schooling

If there is one thing I hate more than government regulations, it is home schooling. This is the most fucking retarding institution, ever. Home schooling is more retarded than doing smack. Yes, it's true that I'm not a fan of government-run public education, nor am I a fan of privately-run religious education. But home schooling is the worst of all them. Think about it - the reason you homeschool your child is one of the following: 1)You are a religious nutter. See the above point. I win. 2)You live too far away from public school. If this is the case, I win, because everyone knows that recluses like you are anti-social idiots who send anthrax to Congressmen. 3)You don't think public education provides a solid academic foundation, and you can't afford a private school. You have a decent point here, except for this minor fact: Unless you are in the top 1% of the population - strike that, we're talking about the South, so the top .1% of the population - your dumbass is even more unqualified than the unionized football coach doubling as the math teacher. I still win.

Let's recap. The South lost the Civil War because today, Southerners are exclusively featured on the Jerry Springer Show, have stupid sounding accents and shun teknoligy they don't understand, engage in stupid ass "sports", embrace religion, and home school their children. And if you are this stupid today, how stupid were you in 1861?

QED, BITCHES.